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More On Chicago Mayoral Election Results 2015

Hi There and Welcome to Another Installment The Piano Bench Blog Cast:
Chicago Mayoral Election Results  

Today’s broadcast comes in the form of some more great piano music and comedy. Our topic? Chicago mayoral election results. I certainly hope you enjoy listening as much as I enjoyed writing and recording.

Chicago politics has no shortage of great comedy material. So tune in regularly.
And be sure to contact me, Dan, for your custom written music and comedy for your client appreciation night, your corporate event or hospital visit.

Listen To This Hilarious New Blogcast w/ Comedy Music

Howdy All!
Welcome to our new Comedy Blogcast! 

This is the first in what may prove to be a very successful series of blogcasts.

Followers of this blog (and there are thousands of you every month right now) have the keen sense of wit and mental faculties to remember this very popular blog from last week.

Only this time I turn on the mics and get a good take; an interview, if you will, of the principle characters from this news style podcast. Thanks to The Onion for such consistent inspiration.

Please let me know how I did. Rate it with the the choices at the bottom here.

Also be sure to contact me to write custom material for your trade show entertainment, for your corporate events and your coming out parties. Our team has been producing shows for a couple of decades now. You should get it on it.

Call Dan 773-527-7417 right now. 

 

RFRA In Indiana. Is This You?

I saw this online and figured he has said it so much better than I have that I would just put it up here for enjoyment as well. I am a Christian business owner.

I am a Christian business owner.

Not really. But If I were, this is the sign I would put in my door.

“Dear Valued Patrons.

Due to my sincerely held religious beliefs, and in light of the RFRA, recently signed by our Dear Leader Pence, I will no longer be doing business with the following persons; nor permitting them in my establishment:

1.  Divorcees.  Matthew 19:9: “And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another, commits adultery.”

2.  Anyone who has ever read their horoscope or called a psychic hotline.  Leviticus 20:6: “As for the person who turns to mediums and to spiritists, to play the harlot after them, I will also set My face against that person and will cut him off from among his people.”

3.  Anyone with a tattoo.   Leviticus 19:28 “You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.”

4.  Anyone born illegitimately.  Also, anyone who, back to ten generations, is descended from someone born illegitimately.  If you can not PROVE, using appropriate church sources, that ten generations of your family were born in wedlock, I will have to err on the side of caution and not serve you. Deuteronomy 23:2 “No one of illegitimate birth shall enter the assembly of the LORD; none of his descendants, even to the tenth generation, shall enter the assembly of the LORD.”

5.  Anyone who makes a practice of praying aloud, or in public.  Matthew 6:5-6  “When you pray, you are not to be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they may be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.”

6.  Any woman with braided hair or gold jewelry.  Just to be on the safe side, NO jewelry at all.  1 Timothy 2:9 “Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.”

7.  Any man who has ever, by accident or not, had his genitals damaged.  (Current interpretation of this scripture is under debate, so just to be safe, if you’ve had a vesectomy, or testicular cancer, I can’t serve you.  I apologize for the inconvenience but I am worried for my soul.)  Deuteronomy 23:1 “A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord.”

8.  Please don’t bring your kids in if they have a bowl cut.  Leviticus 19:27 reads “You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard.”

For those of you complaining that some of these scriptures are from the Old Testament, and that Jesus came to redeem us from these laws, I refer you to Matthew 5:17-19, where Our Savior himself says:  “Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill. For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass from the Law until all is accomplished. Whoever then annuls one of the least of these commandments, and teaches others to do the same, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but whoever keeps and teaches them, he shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven”

Again, I am sorry for the inconvenience.  It’s nothing personal, “love the sinner but hate the sin,” and all, but I simply can’t serve anyone who would blatantly disregard God’s sacred law in such a fashion.  

Of course this would never happen.  People don’t not serve gays because they find it against God’s Law.  They do it, by and large, because “teh gays are icky.”  Jesus had dinner with prostitutes and tax collectors.  Get over yourselves.

 

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2015/03/29/1374145/-I-am-a-Christian-business-owner-in-Indiana#

 

April Fools Day Afficianados Gather Round

The Top 5 April Fools Day Jokes for 2015 

If you have a great April fools joke type it here

#5 Cellophane Office

April Fools Office Pranks

April Fools Office Pranks

This is one of the most common office pranks for April Fools Day. Yet it made this list because it required a great deal of time and dedication. Try this when you have enough time to get the job done beautifully. BONUS: If you try it on the most anal retentive member of your office staff.

#4 Apple announces a brand new wooden iphone

wooden iphone

Today Apple introduced a brand new line of limited edition Wooden iPhones. Apple says these will only be available in stores located on streets ending in the letter ‘K’ or in sunny parts of town that have Chinese spy satellites overhead. You choose the color!

#3 Velcro Track Shoes

Professional-Mens-Long-Distance-Running-Shoes-Outdoor-Trainning-Competition-font-b-Track-b-font-font-b

A unique training shoe made entirely of Velcro. Makes it harder to pull the foot up off of the specially designed velcro track. Increases muscle thru resistance training. Makes actual track meet times much quicker when wearing regular shoes.

#2 Free Gas from 6-7 PM Only

april-fools-joke

This offer is from Shell Oil from 6-7 PM ONLY Today. only one fill up per customer. No gas tanks allowed. You must actually fill up your car. No lawnmowers and no motorcycles. Shell said it will not announce where this gas station will be located until 230 PM on April 1st. But it has hinted that it will be a Midwestern city in the US that begins in the letter ‘I’.

#1 Conspiracy Theorists Arrested on Conspiracy Charges 

arrestsTodd Grangerson of East Lansing, MI finally got his wish and made it on the local evening news today. Mr. Grangerson, 21, offered to fund a trip to the North Sea to recover evidence that clearly shows sea otters have been genetically altered to mate with jelly fish. Since he had a few hundred takers n the offer, they have all been arrested and detained on conspiracy charges.

Please let us know your Top Favorite April Fools Day news items and we’ll publish them here.